Attitude = Listener Potential

Sounds weird, I know. Attitude equals listening potential. What does that mean? I just finished editing a paper of a friend of mine who is taking communications her first semester of college. I was fascinated to learn that in class they have been discussing listening and I was even more interested in the concept that one's ability to be a good listener "is dependent upon my attitude and my feelings toward the individual with whom I am talking" (her words). Wow! Really? She went on to cite several examples of this in her own life and I was blown away. It had never dawned on me that how I listen could be affected by my attitude. Deeper still is that I never realized how other people listen when I talk is based on their attitude towards me.

I briefly took myself through the same exercise as my friend. I thought about the many conversations I have. Who am I listening to? Who am I just giving a smile and a nod? What is my attitude towards them? I realized that I am a better listener when I believe the speaker loves and cares about me. I am also a better listener when I feel the speaker and I have a connection. One example of this is with infertility. I immediately tune into any woman who has suffered the pains of not being able to conceive. It's almost like, "Wow! Someone who intimately understands what I am feeling." And I sometimes shut down when those who have never had issues try to offer their two-cents on the subject. But all of this is weighted against my perception of my worth in your eyes. So, even if you haven't had issues with fertility, but my perception is that you love me, then I am an attentive listener. Interesting, huh? I could go on and on with various examples of my attitude determining my willingness to hear what you are saying.

Which brings me to how are others listening to me? How is what I am saying or doing affecting others' abilities to hear what I have to say? I am opinionated. I know, big shocker, right? I don't always share what is in my head, but more often than not it comes out anyway. The question I have had to ask myself is, "Am I loving enough that when I call a friend for a shoulder to cry on, do they want to listen to me?" I've thought about family relationships. When I just call to chat, are the "uh-hus" and "yas" I'm hearing (basically a "smile and nod" over the phone) a reflection of the way I've portrayed myself in their eyes? And maybe for some of my family and friends it has nothing to do with love and everything to do with whether or not they connect with my problem... think I'm intelligent... or can make great balloon animals. I think it will be different for every person. For me, it's all about the love.

I guess what I have learned is that perhaps it is better to hold my tongue unless I have taken the opportunity to develop a positive relationship with someone. So... if I have offered advice in the past or said something out of line, please forgive me. I will work on building your trust first and save listening to myself talk for when I'm sleeping or singing in the shower.