Happy New Year!

I'm looking forward to 2011. Odd years are usually my best years. I don't know if that's just self-fulfilling prophecy or the fact that so much less is expected of odd years vs. their even counterparts. Whatever the reason, they are my favs. I also love the beginning of anything (the week, month, year) because I feel like I have a fresh start... an opportunity to be something new, to replace bad habits with better ones, and to look forward without worrying about all the baggage I "should be" carrying. I feel like 2011 might give me that chance. Can it be like magic? The clock strikes 12 and miraculously failures fade away into the brightness of new dreams and new adventures to be had. I hope so. That's what I'm holding my breath for. An opportunity to start fresh and try again. To cut back on all the failed goals of 2010 and reach the simple, well defined goals of 2011. I suppose only time will tell.

Happy new year to all our friends and family. We love you and we miss you... especially tonight.

Loves & hugs,

Deb

Gingerbread Houses of Awesome

So our friends the Cechini's had us over to make Gingerbread Houses. And while mine is your traditional house with Hershey Kiss Pine Trees, Joe's morphed into the Trailer of Awesome, complete with pink flamingo, inflatable palm tree and lawn chair. The beer cans didn't make it through the move from their house to ours, but I hope you can appreciate his design! Loving it!

Happy Thanksgiving!

I can't help but be grateful for...

Joseph
Thank you for your love, patience, hope and belief that someday I will conquer this. Thank you for holding my hand as I walk this path. Thank you for taking us across the country to discover new places, people and things. Thank you for being the other half of this incredible marriage. I am happy because of you.

Josser & Journey
Thank you for having patience when I'm angsty and for being the best cuddle buds when I'm not feeling well. I love you, even if the rest of the world thinks you want to eat them! I know the truth... you are simply the most loving, cuddly dogs on the planet who happen to think they are also lap dogs despite their 80 & 55 lb weights.

Friends
I hope you know who you are... if you don't, I'm not doing my job. I love you. You make my life, my progress and my happiness possible. I am grateful for your support and encouragement. I'm grateful for your honesty and clarity. I am grateful you let me serve you when I can. I'm grateful you are mine (muhahahaha!), even if I do have to share you with the rest of the world. I am grateful for your examples that, regardless of you being near or far, bless me every day. And I'm SO VERY THANKFUL I can be myself, in all my awkward glory, and you love me anyway.

Family
I didn't know I could miss you this much! I love you. I love being related to you. I love learning how important you are to me. I love your MANY DIFFERENT personalities that sometimes clash, but often compliment the rest of the family. My life wouldn't be the same without you. I'm grateful for our experiences together. I'm grateful that as crappy as things may have been (or maybe are right now), that at least we've shared those experiences together. It really is a blessing to have someone to talk to who was in the trenches with me. Someone I can bounce memories off of and reactions to those memories. Thank you for helping me to piece my life back together. Thank you for encouraging me in my pursuits. And though I don't often share what is actually happening in my life, thank you for your willingness to listen when I do.

Church
I am grateful for an organization that made sure we had a place to go when we moved out here. I am grateful for a ward family who has encircled us in their love from the moment we arrived. I'm grateful for home and visiting teachers who check up on us. For a bishopric that cares. For Relief Society and Elders Quorum presidencies who go the extra mile. For friends and leaders and teachers who serve each other with such love and selflessness. I know why they Lord brought us to Maryland... so we could be with you. He knew I'd need you... that we'd need you. Thank you for listening to His voice.

Jesus Christ
I am learning to understand you and your Atonement. I didn't know as much as I thought I did and I know even less about applying what I knew. But I am grateful for your patience. Grateful that you are willing to wait outside my door while I figure out how to open the damn darn thing. I am grateful for your infinite Atonement that allows me to seek and receive oneness with the godhead instead of oneness with the adversary. I am grateful that through you I am blessed with the ability to overcome temporal death, the first spiritual death and, if I am repent (which I really am trying to be!), the second spiritual death as well. I am grateful for the strength you grace provides. Thankful that, although I am too weak to walk this path alone, through you I know I can make it to the end. Thanks for watching over me. Thank you for providing all the people in my life who help save me every day. Thank you for caring about one insignificant human being... one of the billions who need your help. I often don't understand why you care, but I am eternally grateful that you do. Thank you, Jesus, for saving me... for loving me... and for showing me the way to return home. Hopefully someday soon I'll figure out how to give my burdens--and myself--over to you.

Heavenly Father
Mi Padre Celestial. Oh Father! I am so grateful for you this day. Grateful for your presence and your blessings in my life. Grateful for your plan that allows someone like me the chance to be like you. Thank you for providing a Savior. His sacrifice reminds me how much you love me. You know the things of my heart... all the experiences I am recalling even as I type this. Thank you for those. Thank you for being my Father when my earthly one wasn't available... and thank you for bringing him back to me so I can have him now, even if I couldn't have him as a child. Thank you for reminding me of your love. And thank you for creating trees... the big, beautiful, leafy trees that sway outside my window in colors of gold and fire. You knew I'd love them because you knew me so well... you still do. Thank you for staying close even though I try to move far away.

Me
Sounds funny, doesn't it? To be grateful for one's self. But I am grateful. I am grateful that today I can accept myself. I am grateful I'm alive and a member of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I am grateful that I am still trying, even when I want to give up. I am grateful I have come this far--climbed this high--even though I have a much longer journey in front of me. I am grateful that I can love others and am hopeful I can learn to love myself with the same intensity. I am grateful I can serve others. Grateful that in some small way I can make a difference in someone else's life. I am grateful I like reading and writing. Thankful for the release those two hobbies give me. Mostly I am grateful that somehow, all the different parts of me are starting to work together--memories, thoughts, emotions, etc. It's good to be on the same page. It's nice to feel things slowly click into place. So yes. I am grateful for me and grateful to be me... at least for today.

Eeeeek!

There are some pretty trippy bugs out on the East Coast. One I discovered while camping (which I think followed me home) and the other is a nasty spider whose web we tore down three nights in a row only to discover a larger web the next morning. On the final night Joe found the spider. Thankfully he was the one who saw it first and hurried me inside before I saw a thing. Just looking at the picture makes my skin crawl!

Behold! The SPIDER CRICKET (top) and the EVIL SPIDER (bottom)!

Just because I like to tease Joe...

I know... I know... make a post already!

I am so behind it's ridiculous. The thought of going back and trying to catch up on the family visits, funerals, vacations and regular life stuff seems daunting. I'm not sure where I stand on the whole thing. Do I scrap it? Do I spend 3 days trying to recreate history? Do I do something in the middle... a list of sorts... maybe with pictures?

But my mind isn't on lists or pictures or recent events today. I find I'm thinking a lot about my past, present, and (mostly) my future.

Past
How much am I allowing my past experiences to define who I am in this moment? People say we have a choice in our response to events. But I am discovering that is not always the case. Or maybe it is... with training and a LOT of practice. I've had some training, but I'm still working on the practice part. And what about the people from my past who I just don't find beneficial for my present? Am I allowed to remove them from my life? To tell them, "You don't make the cut. Sorry. Maybe next time. Move along."? And who gives me that permission? I may say it's okay, but then it is I who am judged by others for my choices. Where is the "man behind the curtain" who can tell me "yes" so that when others point their fingers I can say, "Ask him! He told me I could!"

Present
One spouse. Two dogs. Zero job. A sterile town home with a cute fenced patio that smells of dog. I like it in Maryland. It feels like home in a way that Utah never could. I'm realizing that has a lot to do with me and my perceptions of my old hunting ground. But does that really matter? Point is I didn't feel like myself in the mountains of Zion. In the forests of Maryland I can actually breathe. And I like it. But I still feel in limbo. Like things aren't quite settled for us. Does that mean a move? A new job?

My tummy is growing every day. One HUGE mushroom top rolling over pants. Everyone talks about your boobs sagging as you get older. No one warned me about the "miracle grow" belly. I keep wishing it meant I had a baby inside. But it doesn't. It's just fat and wishful thinking. The upside is that I have a spouse who loves me, rolls, mushroom top and all. He never judges, criticizes, or says things like, "I'm glad you keep yourself in shape." Which to me is just a nicer way of saying, "I'm glad you're not fat. Don't get fat." Nope. Not Joe. He's super good to me.

I read a post somewhere that talked about marriage being boring and asking if women were satisfied. I didn't like how it made me feel as I read the comments. I am happy in marriage. Not just "happy" as in "happy valley" or "we are a happy family" happy, but honesty, truly, DEEPLY happy. I felt bad for these women. Does happy mean my marriage is perfect, with movie star sex and Barnes and Noble discussions? No. That would be just plain silly. But I have a husband who compliments (not completes) me. His strengths balancing out my weaknesses and vice versa. Do I sometimes think I should run away to some remote island where no one can find me? YEP! I do. But then I feel sad, because I know that Joe is the one who gets me to smile, who can help change my mind, and, as he puts it, is the "butterflies in my stomach."

Future
But what to do with me in the future? What is my purpose? Or what purpose should I create for myself? I LOVE writing. I am enjoying the push and pull of wordsmithing. Of creating emotion in others, either helping them to feel what I feel or what an imaginary character is feeling. That is awesome! I love getting my ideas on paper, watching as stories and histories take shape. I'm creating worlds! And people! Romance and adventure! And darkness... lots and lots of darkness. Opposition for characters to overcome.

I love blogging. The interchange of thoughts between people at any distance. I love Cheer and Bless. Sharing my testimony and my thoughts about religion in a safe and positive way. I love learning from others who stop by to make a comment. I LOVE comments. It's just nice knowing that someone out there in the world hears you. That, in some small way, you've connected with someone beyond the four walls of your home.

But are either of these things feasible for me? If I never got paid... never received another comment... would it be enough for me? I love writing & blogging... but is it practical. Especially when we are struggling financially. We NEED my income... which is difficult because I can't CREATE an income. I want to believe PTSD is just an excuse for not being responsible... that would mean I could do it... I could work. But it's not an excuse. It's a way of living that I'm still trying to figure out.

What does the future hold? Children? Job satisfaction? Publishing? Bucket lists? Travel and adventure? Or 30 more years of waking up, eating, blogging to the emptiness of the Internet, writing things that may never see the light of day, and then going back to sleep. Maybe... and maybe I'm okay with that! But if not, how do I change my stars?

So ya. Maybe I'll catch up tomorrow. Maybe I'll be starting another novel. Or maybe I'll be looking at the stars. Who knows... nothing says the last two need to be mutually exclusive!

Good-bye Grandpa

Grandpa Porter passed away on Sunday, August 29, 2010 around 3:03p. I missed the call so I didn't hear about it until Jimmy called because he saw something on facebook. I know it seems horrible, to learn about your grandpa's death via facebook, but I'm kind of glad. If it wasn't for the social media, I may not have found out until much, MUCH later. Maybe even Monday. So, while I wish someone would have tried Joe's phone, I am glad Jimmy saw Erin's note and thought to give us a call... at least that way I knew the night it happened.

I've written a couple of letters to Grandpa Porter for various things, so I thought I'd just link to those instead of re-writing. I seem to be all tapped out of words at the moment.

Eternal Families: A Letter to My Grandpa (recent)

Happy Birthday Grandpa (old post)

New Friend! WOOF!

Josser and Journey made a NEW FRIEND! I know, amazing and impossible all at the same time. Our friends, the Cechini's, recently got a new lab puppy they named California. She's ADORABLE! Anyway, they were brave enough to let us introduce her to Team Chaos. (Thank you!) It was a little touch and go at first (as Josser seemed more willing to eat her than be friends with her), but Journey came to the rescue. We ended up separating the dogs and, while Joe walked the energy out of Joss, we helped Cali and Journey to be friends. Mission accomplished! Then we let Journey introduce Cali to Josser and VOILA, we had our little pack of pit bulls and a lab walking in the woods together. I think WE ALL got a good work out that night! I'm just glad that Josser was able to meet a new dog. We are SO grateful to those who'll give him a chance, even if he is crazy like me!

Journey getting to know Cali a little bit better, hehe.

"Hi... nice to meet you." Aren't you glad we don't say hi this way?

Playing on the porch.

Journey spies the cat, Charlie.

Dogs will be... nuts? It was entertaining watching Joe try to handle so many dogs at once!

Trying to say good-bye. Not sure if Team Chaos just wanted to go inside with their new friend or if they finally decided they wanted to eat the cat.

Cuddling on the Couch: A dog story

A very SHORT dog story.

Once upon a time there were two dogs that, although they loved to wrestle and bark at any non-existent stranger together, they detested touching each other while relaxing. If one accidentally brushed against the other, both would shoot up and head to opposite sides of the couch, bed, floor, or house. Heaven forbid they spread the oh-so-terrible-and-deadly-girl/boy-coodies! One day, however, the wonderful fairy pet-mother discovered that while under the influence of magical cinnamon bears they forgot all about the evil girl/boy coodies that had previously caused them so much concern. And so it was that the magical bears were distributed generously in order that the Josser-dog and Journey-miester could come together in one magical moment of picture taking. And though we don't know if they lived happily ever after yet, we DO know that they didn't die from cuddling on the couch! The end!

Pic 1: Close up

Pic 2: Wide shot

So Joe thinks it's time for an updated photo of the dogs to grace our blog site, but I can't decide between the above. The vote is left to you! Which one... pic 1 or 2? Vote now and see your favorite, in all its glory, take its place among the amazingly awesome family hall of fame on the side bar, lol.

Playing with Journey

Grabbed a couple of shots and a short video (which won't load) of Journey playing in the water. Joe turned on the hose to clean out Josser's old kennel and we discovered this girl LOVES water! He could barely get the kennel sprayed down because Journey kept jumping in the way. When she's not totally annoying Josser, she is definitely making us all laugh, hehe.

Josser has NEVER done this. One more trick for Journey to teach him.

Josser just isn't sure... I think he thinks she crazy.

Newest Addition to the Fam: Journey

So I made the "mistake" of agreeing to see some rescue dogs without the intent to buy. What was I thinking?!? I should have known better, but I'm really glad I went. We've been thinking about getting Josser a doggie friend for quite some time... a dog he can play with, be a dog with and cuddle with when we aren't around. Most dogs are afraid of him (almost as much as he is afraid of them!) so we decided to find a permanent addition to the family. And we were lucky enough to find her at our first stop! She is a Pit Bull, like Josser, and came from a kid home with other dogs. Though she has a bit more energy than Joss, she has already been awesome at teaching him to ride in a car without whining and taking a bath without freaking out in the tub. It was so funny to watch him puff up his chest and give me the look like "Oh yeah! You think that was a good bath, watch this!" He even got in the bath all on his own!

Anyway, we were also blessed that the rescue shelter was having a deal on Pit Bulls. For under $100 we got our sweet Journey complete with all her shots, spade, 6 weeks of follow up training, a free vet appointment, and an easy-walk harness. We totally scored!

She's been high energy all day today, but we feel she'll be an awesome companion and pet.

Teaching Josser how to play like a real dog.

It didn't take long for him to catch on!

They're already fighting over who gets to sit with "Daddy."

I couldn't resist the tongue shot :)

Hugs all the way around!

That's usually Josser's spot. So far he's been the gentleman... but I don't think that is going to last too long!

He is so handsome! (And Joe's cute too, hehehe).

Journey.

A better shot of her mask.

Making herself right at home. It's almost like we've had her forever... almost. Sleeping arrangement should be interesting tonight!

Camp Pics: THE END

Bet you never thought this would come! Check out the sign in the window. Hehehehe...

Camp Pics: Headed Home!

Our last day was filled mostly with joy. Girls and leaders alike were excited to get back to their homes, families, beds and showers. I just wanted a McDonald's! Thankfully Joe knew better and took me to Subway for my first real meal. He didn't even say a word when I went for the Sour Cream and Onion chips... perhaps it was the wild look in my eyes!

I don't think I'll ever get tired of those eyes!

Can you love someone too much? What I'd really like to do is create a line for Build-A-Bear called, "The YW Collection"--complete with voice recordings of their favorite sayings.

The bus did get mighty hot! We all roasted and ran out of water.

Picture taken with permission! Katie fell asleep on the way home from camp and actually FELL OFF the bench. It was hysterical! I'm glad she is such a good sport. 

Camp Pics: The Leaders I LOVE

More to be added. But here is what I have so far...

Sister Alder, Stake YW Counselor. I know you've seen her, but I had to include her again. I love this woman with my whole life! She was assigned as my visiting teaching companion before I knew her as a Stake YW counselor. The Lord really knew what he was doing when He gave her to me!

Sister Cooper, Stake YW President. She is lovely and amazing and really gives her whole heart to this calling and to the young women. I am grateful for her leadership, love and support.

Sister Johnson, Stake YW Camp Director. She has dedicates so much of her life to this calling! Can you believe they begin almost the day after camp is finished to plan for next year? Simply sweet and oh so amazing. Thank you, Sister Johnson, for all your dedication to girls camp!

Sister Strickland, helper. What a joy! She joined us on the second level hike and I am SO glad she did! I love her feisty-ness and her down to earth approach for everything. No drama here! I am grateful for the time I had to get to know her and for her service during camp. Not only did she assist with the fun activities, she also helped out in the kitchen whenever needed.

Oh my dear, sweet Lisa! Sister Hagedorn (or Sister Hagrid... because she's so tall, hehe), was the most wonderful Level Leader anyone could ask for. We didn't know each other before camp, but I am grateful the Lord moved me over to her level. She was SPECTACULAR, FABULOUS, AMAZING, and AWESOME. We laughed so hard the entire week. She was good to me and my "dori-like" brain. And though she had to remind me to go to the bathroom or brush my teeth, she always stayed sweet and helped me feel loved. I couldn't have made it through this week without her and her smiling countenance. I really do love you, Lisa and never want to do camp without you in the future!

That's my girl!

 

Meg leading out in the stake's program. The talks were amazing! Any person listening would have been edified. I know I was. More than this group of ladies will ever know.

The two criminal masterminds hanging out in front of our cabin.

Best time ever!

A shot of the inside. If you look carefully at the window you'll notice we got "TPd." It was so cute. A little bird told me it was Ryen and Stephanie. Thank you, girls, for making us feel special. We love you!

Camp Pics: Hiking and Nature Time

We actually did these on two separate days. The hike was Day 2 and nature time was Day 3. I thought it was a little silly at first, seeing as how we spent a WHOLE LOT OF TIME in nature on Day 2, but the place to where Hannah took us for nature time was amazing! It felt like we were sitting on top of a spring to the soul, where the Spirit simply bubbled up to overwhelm you. I took pics of the girls sitting in the amphitheater, but forgot to turn around and take a pic of the amazing view. Maybe next year. It really was beautiful!

Breaking for our hike midway through. I didn't get any pics on the way down... was too busy trying NOT to get lost!

Our awesome YCLs.

A spot in the sun. It looked so alluring via this angle I had to join them!

A little bridge on the way home.

Jessica and Autumn.

Sarah. You can almost hear here... "Sister Burns!"

This was actually taken on our way to nature time. Hannah took us to the not often used lower camp fire. LOVED IT! And, lucky us, we beat the 4th years there. Kaitlyn later informed me that she was being charitable as her group outnumbered us 3 to 1. Love that girl!

Sighting of the allusive Sister Cooper! Not really, she was everywhere! The girls ADORE here!

So gorgeous. The girls and the scenery. The picture doesn't do either justice.

The other side of the amphitheater.

Okay. I was naughty and snapped a couple of quick pics before testimony meeting on Friday. The flash gave me away. I think this is Meg's hint to stop taking pictures, lol. Wish I would have gotten one of the view. Oh well.

My last "testimony meeting" pic. Nothing like a flashing camera to make the Spirit go "hmmm."