I know... I know... make a post already!

I am so behind it's ridiculous. The thought of going back and trying to catch up on the family visits, funerals, vacations and regular life stuff seems daunting. I'm not sure where I stand on the whole thing. Do I scrap it? Do I spend 3 days trying to recreate history? Do I do something in the middle... a list of sorts... maybe with pictures?

But my mind isn't on lists or pictures or recent events today. I find I'm thinking a lot about my past, present, and (mostly) my future.

Past
How much am I allowing my past experiences to define who I am in this moment? People say we have a choice in our response to events. But I am discovering that is not always the case. Or maybe it is... with training and a LOT of practice. I've had some training, but I'm still working on the practice part. And what about the people from my past who I just don't find beneficial for my present? Am I allowed to remove them from my life? To tell them, "You don't make the cut. Sorry. Maybe next time. Move along."? And who gives me that permission? I may say it's okay, but then it is I who am judged by others for my choices. Where is the "man behind the curtain" who can tell me "yes" so that when others point their fingers I can say, "Ask him! He told me I could!"

Present
One spouse. Two dogs. Zero job. A sterile town home with a cute fenced patio that smells of dog. I like it in Maryland. It feels like home in a way that Utah never could. I'm realizing that has a lot to do with me and my perceptions of my old hunting ground. But does that really matter? Point is I didn't feel like myself in the mountains of Zion. In the forests of Maryland I can actually breathe. And I like it. But I still feel in limbo. Like things aren't quite settled for us. Does that mean a move? A new job?

My tummy is growing every day. One HUGE mushroom top rolling over pants. Everyone talks about your boobs sagging as you get older. No one warned me about the "miracle grow" belly. I keep wishing it meant I had a baby inside. But it doesn't. It's just fat and wishful thinking. The upside is that I have a spouse who loves me, rolls, mushroom top and all. He never judges, criticizes, or says things like, "I'm glad you keep yourself in shape." Which to me is just a nicer way of saying, "I'm glad you're not fat. Don't get fat." Nope. Not Joe. He's super good to me.

I read a post somewhere that talked about marriage being boring and asking if women were satisfied. I didn't like how it made me feel as I read the comments. I am happy in marriage. Not just "happy" as in "happy valley" or "we are a happy family" happy, but honesty, truly, DEEPLY happy. I felt bad for these women. Does happy mean my marriage is perfect, with movie star sex and Barnes and Noble discussions? No. That would be just plain silly. But I have a husband who compliments (not completes) me. His strengths balancing out my weaknesses and vice versa. Do I sometimes think I should run away to some remote island where no one can find me? YEP! I do. But then I feel sad, because I know that Joe is the one who gets me to smile, who can help change my mind, and, as he puts it, is the "butterflies in my stomach."

Future
But what to do with me in the future? What is my purpose? Or what purpose should I create for myself? I LOVE writing. I am enjoying the push and pull of wordsmithing. Of creating emotion in others, either helping them to feel what I feel or what an imaginary character is feeling. That is awesome! I love getting my ideas on paper, watching as stories and histories take shape. I'm creating worlds! And people! Romance and adventure! And darkness... lots and lots of darkness. Opposition for characters to overcome.

I love blogging. The interchange of thoughts between people at any distance. I love Cheer and Bless. Sharing my testimony and my thoughts about religion in a safe and positive way. I love learning from others who stop by to make a comment. I LOVE comments. It's just nice knowing that someone out there in the world hears you. That, in some small way, you've connected with someone beyond the four walls of your home.

But are either of these things feasible for me? If I never got paid... never received another comment... would it be enough for me? I love writing & blogging... but is it practical. Especially when we are struggling financially. We NEED my income... which is difficult because I can't CREATE an income. I want to believe PTSD is just an excuse for not being responsible... that would mean I could do it... I could work. But it's not an excuse. It's a way of living that I'm still trying to figure out.

What does the future hold? Children? Job satisfaction? Publishing? Bucket lists? Travel and adventure? Or 30 more years of waking up, eating, blogging to the emptiness of the Internet, writing things that may never see the light of day, and then going back to sleep. Maybe... and maybe I'm okay with that! But if not, how do I change my stars?

So ya. Maybe I'll catch up tomorrow. Maybe I'll be starting another novel. Or maybe I'll be looking at the stars. Who knows... nothing says the last two need to be mutually exclusive!

Good-bye Grandpa

Grandpa Porter passed away on Sunday, August 29, 2010 around 3:03p. I missed the call so I didn't hear about it until Jimmy called because he saw something on facebook. I know it seems horrible, to learn about your grandpa's death via facebook, but I'm kind of glad. If it wasn't for the social media, I may not have found out until much, MUCH later. Maybe even Monday. So, while I wish someone would have tried Joe's phone, I am glad Jimmy saw Erin's note and thought to give us a call... at least that way I knew the night it happened.

I've written a couple of letters to Grandpa Porter for various things, so I thought I'd just link to those instead of re-writing. I seem to be all tapped out of words at the moment.

Eternal Families: A Letter to My Grandpa (recent)

Happy Birthday Grandpa (old post)