Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Time...

I really can't believe November is almost here. Only 6 days away? What happened to October?

I spent most of the month in the doctor's office trying to figure out what's wrong with me physically. So far IBS seems to be the culprit, mingled with an allergy to high fructose corn syrup--which is in just about everything. I've been working with a nutritionist to find foods I can eat and so far that is working out really well. I have my follow up with the specialist on Halloween to determine if there's anything else going on with my insides that I need to be aware of. We'll see.

Mostly, though, I'm tired. And perhaps a little grumpy (see tired). But Joe is hopeful we'll be able to figure this out and so I'm holding on to him holding on to hope. Maybe I should get some rope to tie me to him in case my arms give out. Le sigh.

In happier news, I finished the first act of my book! This is HUGE for me! It means I have completed 1/4 of my book!!! Wahoo!!! Right now that looks like 11 chapters and just over 25K words. If I keep a consistent rate, I'll end up with about 44 chapters and 100K. Most first novels publish around the 80K mark, so I might be a little high. But that's okay! I can always chop-chop during the revisions stage. I'm excited to have two VERY EXCELLENT beta readers lined up for revisions and, so far, have been super happy with the feedback I'm getting from my alpha readers.

One thing I've realized is that my book is not for everyone. Sometimes that makes me sad, but mostly I think that's just a part of the author-reader dynamic. I love Harry Potter, but that doesn't mean everyone does. Just as some love Lord of the Rings, which I can't stand. It's good to recognize early on that what I write--my content, style, approach--won't resonate with every person that picks it up. Some will even hate it. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but that doesn't change reality. So I'm trying to grow a thicker skin. Pretty hard considering I kill most everything I try to grow. But I'll keep working at it, changing the fertilizer or the ground I'm in. I guess being a slow writer is helpful in this way... I'll have plenty of time to work on my thick skin before I even query, let alone publish a novel.

For those that are interested, I've revamped the look/feel of the writer blog. New content will be added sooner than later. I've decided to focus for a time on the research that I'm doing rather than the writing journey itself. So, if you're into paranormal, expect to see posts about angels & demons, death personified, vampire lore, and other delectable bites.

If you want to more about the novel, I'm still working on the pitch line (so it's really rough). This is what I have so far: SOUL REAPER (working title): A traumatized Angel of Death shuns her Maker in hopes of finding release, but learns even good choices require payment--her submission or her soul, neither of which she is willing to relinquish. (Feel free to tell me in the comments whether or not you'd read it and why! TY!)

In other news, work seems to be going well for Joe. His company is gearing up for a huge project that is going to keep him busy-busy in the months to come. He seems to spend many of his days in meetings, but still enjoys the people he works with. I'm happy he's happy!

Josser and Journey are hilarious and annoying all at the same time. But I love my little monsters. As with most creatures, they are most adorable when they are sleeping! hehe

I hope October has been good to you! And I am excited to see all the costume pictures I know you're going to share with me via blogger and Facebook... right? Right?! Hehe.

Lots of love,
D

Friday, October 14, 2011

Living with PTSD

I've been living with PTSD for almost three years now, but I've only been open about it for the last one. At first it seemed like a diagnosis to be ashamed of. That I needed to hide it or make it go away. I felt that I should be able to function and be "normal." I think others expected it of me too.

But I'm not normal. I may never be normal again. And I most definitely will never be the "old" Debbie. Not because I don't want to, but because I can't. It's impossible. I'm different. Life is different. The world is different.

I realized recently that I don't talk much to my family about PTSD. I've never explained it to you or chatted it with you. I simply acted not-normal and expected you to catch on and then became angry when you didn't. That was unfair of me.

So here is my attempt at helping you understand what it's like living with PTSD.


PTSD Defined

According to Wiki, posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is "is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one's own or someone else's physical, sexual, or psychological integrity, overwhelming the individual's ability to cope. As an effect of psychological trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more enduring than the more commonly seen acute stress response. Diagnostic symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal – such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning."


What it is
  • An actual, honest-to-grandma disorder related to extreme anxiety and fear
  • R-E-A-L (I'm not making it up)
  • Long lasting and can take years (if ever) to treat
  • Life altering

What it is NOT
  • An excuse to be lazy
  • A negative label indicating I'm broken
  • A reason to judge me
  • Proof that I'm crazy

What does this mean for my life?

It means that sometimes I can't function. Period. Joe and I call those couch days because about the only thing I can do is lay on the couch and watch happy shows like Monsters Inc or Cars. Couch days can be triggered by any number of things, but sleep/nightmares seems to be the biggest culprit. The good days have begun to outnumber the bad, though, so we are hopeful that maybe someday I'll be free. However (as my dad can attest... sorry Dad), one night of night terrors can still leave me a vegetable.

It means that most times I struggle to process information. I've lost words, meanings, phrases. I can be mid-sentence and completely forget what I was saying. I stumble through my thoughts. When others are talking I often can't understand what they're saying. Not because of the words, but because my brain isn't up to speed. I prefer to text than talk because I can see what you're trying to say and have time to formulate a response. I'm not so great "on the spot."

It means sometimes I have to take a break or cancel an activity. I used to be able to do many, many things at once and do them well. Trauma has changed that for me. Most of the time I feel raw... like I'm walking around without skin on and all the air and particles are grinding into my insides. It's like that, but emotionally. Chaos, loud noises, large groups, or too much time away from home can overwhelm me and send me into a panic attack (difficulty breathing, terror of surroundings, lots and lots of tears). I have to be careful how much stimulus I allow into my life. And if I get overstimulated, I have to take a break--leaving the party early (if I even go at all), taking a nap, lying down to watch a happy movie, or finding a quiet place to breathe and remind myself that I'm okay. It's nothing personal... it's not that I don't want to be with you... it's that I have to keep myself sane.

It means that most of the time I'm terrified of new people, places, and things. Strangers terrify me. I don't know what they're going to do or say. They're unpredictable and very, very scary. Just like places I don't know. Or experiences I haven't tried yet. My anxiety is high to extremely high most of the time. I have to have a plan for everything. And a backup plan. And a backup for the backup. It helps me manage the anxiety and fear. It helps me control what I can control because there is so much that I can do nothing about.

It means sometimes I'm less than dependable. I can't hold down a job, fulfill my callings as I would like, or be there always when you need me. I just don't know when the next attack is going to happen, how long I'll be down, or what the aftermath is going to look like. I don't mean to be a flake. I don't mean to be unhelpful. I'm just trying to do the best I can with what I have.

It means that most times I'm emotional and sensitive. I'm probably reading more into a situation than needs be and I'm highly likely to get my feel bads hurt. I also shut down really fast--like C3P0 in Old Ben Kenobi's hut on Tatooine. This doesn't mean you need to change anything, just understand when I need time to collect myself.

It means we aren't pursuing children. Not until I'm healthier... more stable.

It means I'll be in therapy for a very, very long time. Lots of hours and money will be invested before I make it out of this mess.

And it means that my whole life--how I grocery shop, who I hang with, how I interact with others, what movies I see, what TV I watch, what seasons I love, what topics I'll discuss, which places I'll go, what times I'll be out, how often I leave home, how I receive love, and how my brain works--has been altered forever.

I welcome any questions you might have. Feel free to email me. I'll share with you what I can. I'll give you any resources I have. I'll do everything in my power to help you understand and to be patient while you try.

I spent the first two years tyring to pretend things didn't happen and that PTSD didn't exist. Looks like I'll spend the rest of my life advocating for those with mental health issues and learning how to handle my own.

Lots of love,
Deb


Other Related Posts

Heads Up to Family

To those of you who received this via email... this is my way of trying to keep in touch with all the members of family. I only have 10 slots, so I used one email to represent each family unit. (Pretty much all the girls, lol). If you'd rather not receive blog updates in your email or if you'd rather have me use a different email address, please let me know.

Hope this helps with keeping in touch! I'm working on being more consistent. :)

Thanks and love ya,
Deb