I was surfing last night (the web, that is) and came across an article on the vulnerability of stay at home mothers. The writer asked for comments regarding her plight. She wondered if other wives felt this way and, if so, what advice would they give for changing those feelings. As I read some of the comments before posting my own I was surprised at how many not only felt the same way but went on to express that the SAHM (stay at home mom) role wasn't as important as their husband's income providing role. Or at least that is what I felt as I read their experiences. Some mentioned husband's that won't share the money (he earned it, it's his money). Some mentioned that while they play the homemaker role, they aren't good at it, citing that they're unorganized, don't like to clean, and aren't creative with the kids. Others stated that it would be easier to replace a SAHM than it would be to replace the income of a dad. I ultimately responded with a way-too-passionate response on how we need to change our own self concepts before we can change the feelings of vulnerability and dependency we may be feeling. I am sure I offended someone (which is never my intention but seems to be my consistent outcome... but I suppose we can deal with that in another post). The article and comments have been floating through my brain all night and into this morning. I am left wondering, do more women feel this way? Do you feel vulnerable as a stay at home mom? Do you feel utterly dependent on your husband? Do you believe you are more easily replaceable than your counterpart? I'd love to learn more and understand these feelings, especially from women I know.
I should also express gratitude for the husband I have. It's never been "his" money or "her" money. It's always been "our" money. Though I'll admit I have felt guilty for not working when I know a second income would be helpful, I haven't ever felt like my lack of work effected my access to the bank account. Joe and I are partners and partners share. I'm not even the "perfect homemaker." And I use that term lightly because I don't believe there is such a thing. Women are different. We have different personalities and strengths. Marla is AWESOMELY creative with her kids. I never will be. That is okay. Amy is one of the most incredible decorators. I cheat and still her ideas. Katie--I LOVE your cooking. And while I am no chef, Joe doesn't starve. I'm good for beating my husband and keeping in line! Just kidding... but he does always have clean clothes and I know he can lean on me for my other strengths. Every one of my friends has her own strengths and together I feel like I grow in leaps and bounds. When I find I'm struggling with a particular issue, I know I can call any one of you to receive help or some ideas. We may not know it all, but I think we know who to call to find the answers.
And as far as this idea of "replaceable" goes, that is just plain craziness! I couldn't believe my ears last night! (I guess that would be my eyes since I was reading). Not a single woman I know is replaceable! Our tasks are not lighter or easier, they are just different from our working counterparts. And those women who work and take care of the home, BLESS YOUR HEARTS! I don't know where you find the energy. Could our husbands learn to do what we do? Absolutely. But could we learn to find a place in the workforce and excel? You bet your booty!
Like I said, it breaks my heart to know there are women out there feeling this vulnerability and dependency on their spouses, as if their own role wasn't important. As if there would be zero possibilities for them if their husband left or died. Am I living in a fantasy world? I don't feel these emotions. Maybe I'm clinically insane.
What do you think? What would you say to a woman who was struggling with these emotions? Have you felt this way? If so, would anything I just said be helpful to you or do you feel like I am invalidating your emotions? Thanks for being honest.
To all the women in my life, know that I love you! I value you immensely! The gifts you share, whether in the workplace or at home, are a blessing to those around you. And I don't believe for one nano second that you are replaceable. Because you're not!
4 comments:
I have always worked. Even this time in my life that I consider myself a SAHM, I still have the opportunity to bring in an income. Not because I have too, but because I feel weird about being able to stay at home.
With Brian it has always been "our" money, though I have had a hard time learning to use it. I have always been cheap, and he encourages me to spend money on stuff.
I, too, feel as though I am not the best homemaker (chef, housewife, organizer, and others). But my problem is that I am not pressured to make these things my number one priority while I am home with Aidan. Do I do them, yes. But when I had a full time job (making money) I had limited time and all that limited time was focused on making up for the time I was missing at home. My house always has something that I would like to have done (remodeled, reorganized, etc.), but I am slowly changing my priorities. Because of this gift of SAHM, I am more able to put stuff to the side and concentrate more on the things of greater importance to me. Family. I am more able to visit my grandparents and do little acts of service for them (visiting, taking over treats, leaving my home to help them bring in their groceries, etc.), take time to actually listen to those around me, and be more sympathetic. I am no longer just involved with myself. I also find that Aidan is learning more from these actions than if I was trying to teach him by myself. I am teaching him the importance of service and family through my actions. And I love that Brian believes in this just as much as I do.
Also, if I continued to work, I wouldn't have been able to see the good in this kind of situation. When I was working, all of my meager income would have gone to pay for daycare. It would have been a wash. Thank goodness for patience and hardwork (it took us a while to get to the point where I could quit and SAH).
I hope this isn't too...pompous. But Brian and I am constantly discussing this exact subject.
Well that is funny you should ask such a question because when push came to shove(bed rest because of the pregnancy)at my house my husband has taken on ALL the roles while I sit on the couch and complain and ask for more ice. Believe me when I say I only pay the bills online and change the channel on the TV for my son, that is my job right now. When the baby comes life will change, but right now that is our life and he is perfectly capable of doing it without me(although who would want too.)
I do have to say I do enjoy the fact that I can work 1-12hr graveyard shift a week and add substantially to our income, which I will resume after the new baby. Nate is such a good husband that even when I am the stay-at-home-mom/work1 day a week, instead of always expecting me to clean and do everything myself we spend his first day off of every week and scrub the house to a brilliant shine, and I am talking everything. Then I just try and keep everything as clean as I can the rest of the week. He also washes and dries all the clothes and I fold and put away. The only thing in the whole house that I keep up on and consider my job is the bathrooms which get done once every two weeks.
I can't remember who told me this but before I got married they said not to go to crazy with trying to do everything especially in the beginning of the marriage because then it will be expected for the rest of it. Also watch what your mother-in-law contributes because you will be expected to do the same by your husband. I was very clear in the beginning that I am not a good housekeeper and that those things would have to be a shared venture, and while I love making breakfast I am not one of the fabulous women who make a wonderful different dinner every night of the week.
I think at this point we have become a well-oiled machine(while not on bedrest) and works best as a team at everything. I wouldn't be able to say I felt like a success as a stay-at-home-mom without my husbands hard work at work and home. I also don't feel he would think he was a good provider without those contributions I makes at home and at work. That is why we are made to be paired up. Not to take-on roles but to share the brunt of the work as well as the fun. I am grateful everyday that my husband doesn't make me feel inferior or crummy about what and the way I contribute to all facets of our lives, he truly is my match in all things.
I don't want you to believe we don't argue or have our problems but nothing compares to the commitment we made as a couple when we entered the Temple and made promises not only to love and cherish but to accept each other for our faults as wells as our great qualities.
Finally, yes I am getting to a point and it has only taken your whole page to do it. I learned along time ago about high expectations vs. reality, if you have too high of expectations for anyone(including yourself) they will fail and it will make you unhappy, not that you should be able to expect anything but you have to keep your expectations in check. I expect to have a clean house once a week, I expect my husband to help, I also expect for me to have one activity a week for me and my son to do. The rest will fall into place and get done and when it doesn't I won't panic cause I never expected it too. You may think low expectations but I see a happy life and more grateful wife and husbands when we do get more done that expected. Anyway I am rambling now, to all those women I wish them good luck, if you can find your own happiness someone else won't be able to find it for you!!
Awesome posts, Katie and Betsy. I especially love the focus on partnership and team work. Katie, I think it's awesome that you have made your SAH meaningful by serving others. Through all your blog posts I can see that not only are you being a great mom for Aidan, but you are developing your own talents as well. I think that's important. And Bets, I LOVE your point that "I wouldn't be able to say I felt like a success as a stay-at-home-mom without my husbands hard work at work and home. I also don't feel he would think he was a good provider without those contributions I make at home and at work. That is why we are made to be paired up." What a great reinforcement that "neither is the man w/o the woman or the woman w/o the man in the Lord." We are meant to be together for more reasons than to inherit the Celestial Kingdom. I LOVE you guys! I am so grateful to be surrounded by women such as you!
I feel the same you do Debbs... partnership is key not only in a successful loving relationship.. but a family. It has never been nor ever will be "his" money nor "my" money.. it is ours equally. Lukie as a husband/father/person would be irreplaceable. That doesn't have anything to do with the fact that he(used to LOL) bring home the bacon. I appreciated this post, it sounds like some SAHM(and husbands) out there really need a reality check on partnership and how to make a family successful. I have found that no matter what role you play in your marriage you are BOTH imprtant in order to make it work.. Love you Debbs I'm so glad I just had a reality check too... in just how good I have had it. :)
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