I have done it before but I feel the need to do it again. I am sorry for ever judging you.
I was at home last night reading my scriptures yet not understanding a word on the page. My mind was elsewhere. It was stewing over comments made by Subject A about Subject B which had me pondering over comments Subject B made about Subject C which moved me further to remember comments Subject D made about Subjects A-C, E, F and so on. The focus of every comment was parenting. “She doesn’t do this right” or “He is like this” or “I would never do that.” I was so completely frustrated and annoyed last night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to write a crazy insane blog that would have resulted in a ton of people mad at me and me, of course, looking like the self-righteous, self-centered member of the family (that I probably am). I refrained and instead started to ponder other things. One that came most forcefully to my mind was our trip to California last year. I believe you remember.
We had spent the week together… you, Natalie, myself and our families… in one two-bedroom condo. I watched you with your children from their moments of joy to their grumpy tantrums. I noticed morning routines and evening bedtime rituals. I heard you, late at night, trying to take care of a sobbing Charlie who was sick with a horrible fever. I remember your tears and your words as you laid him in Joe’s arms, “He’s not breathing.” And then I saw you—after a traumatic experience and no sleep—gently handle your girls the next day with all the patience of a saint. In short, you amazed me. And I think, somewhat like the Grinch, my heart grew in sizes. In that moment I felt sorry for all the things I had said regarding your parenting or your way of doing things. My guilt came crashing down on me for ever judging you. All these years I made the mistake of thinking you had to grow up and in the end, it was me that had to change. I told you then, and I reiterate now, that I am sorry and that I think you are amazing! I should add thank you, as well, for helping me to see that we cannot judge each other. That week I recognized that children come with their own unique and sometimes challenging personalities. And I saw a mother and a father respond by doing the best they knew how to love and teach their children. I am so grateful for that experience and for how you taught me these things through your example.
Sometimes, (between you and me, Marla) I am afraid to have children. Not just because it is more difficult than I ever imagined (babysitting just one child for a day has taught me that), but because I am afraid of being under the microscope while all the other parents are mentally sizing me up and deciding whether or not I am a fit mother. I worry about all the judgments that will be passed when I don’t do something perfectly because I can only rely on “the best I know how.” It scares me, Marla. It really does. And last night, it hurt.
I know I can’t change anyone (nor is it my right to do so). But I send out a wish that we can give each other the benefit of the doubt. That we can give each other a little wiggle room, understanding that we are all just moving through life (and each situation) doing the best that we know how. And that just because one set of parents does something differently than we do, it doesn’t make either party wrong. To Marla, Natalie, Suzanne, Erin, Brenda and all the other parents (including daddies) that I know, I say thank you for having the courage to parent with your own style. I am watching and I am noticing that you are doing a great job… the best job you know how. We all have our good and bad days. We all have those moments when we think “one more thing and I am gonna sell them to the gypsies!” But then I have seen all those moments when you hold them in your arms and smile from deep inside because you love them and because they are yours, forever and ever. I love you, my sisters. I love you, Marla. I am so grateful I have you (all of you) as a part of my family. Thank you for your love and your examples. You are all amazing!
