Equality Begins with Me

I talk a lot about how we’re told women are equal to men and yet so many actions of the Church make me feel different. The lack of women leaders in the church… our 9 to the men’s hundreds. The idea that married women with children shouldn’t work. Even, in some (not all) wards, how the men seem to always be given the bulk of sacrament meeting for speaking while the women are asked to introduce the family and speak for a few minutes on the assigned topic. It’s that little things that add up to big things that make me wonder, does God really love his daughters as much as he loves his sons?

Some days I just don’t know.

But today, as I prayed to Heavenly Father I laid it all out on the line. I finally spoke my mind. No beating around the bush. No tip toeing around the subject or wavering. Nope. I asked, “If men and women are equal, then why do you continue to shield us from the world? Why hide my Heavenly Mother? Why ask me to do the same? I don’t feel that we’re equal at all.”

And then some interesting things happened. In my mind I saw women getting in line first to eat meals. I saw men holding the door open for us at the mall. I saw myself in a restaurant ordering before my husband. That’s what girls do, right? That’s how men show us respect… chivalry. But those scenes showed me that I wasn’t asking for respect, I was asking for a pedestal. Do I really want equality? Or do I want to rule the world so I can force all those horrible men who have treated me despicably over the years to suffer as I have suffered. Unfortunately, I want the latter. I want God’s sons to know what it feels like to feel inferior. I want them to hear the words, “listen to your wife as she listens to God.” I want them to wonder what all their other talents mean when they’re told their most important purpose in this life is to give their sperm to a woman.

Is it really that harsh when told to women? Perhaps not. Is that how I feel it? Yes it is.

And there’s my problem. That’s the other thing the Lord showed me—or maybe asked is the better term—as I knelt in prayer. I felt him pose the question, “What makes you feel inferior?” And the answer in my heart came down to decision making. I felt like the scriptures, the doctrine and especially the Church culture tell me that I have to listen to the men.

So how does that translate over to my need for equality? Essentially I am waiting for a man to tell me—AND SHOW ME—that women are truly equal. Then the thought hit me, “If I really believe women are equal to men, then why am I waiting for them to give me permission to speak my mind.” I thought about the Sunday Schools in which I’ve held my tongue, the councils in which I’ve waited for someone else to call on me, the meetings in which I’ve looked to Joe to answer. The problem, I discovered today, is me.

A free woman of equality doesn’t wait for someone else to declare she is a free woman of equality. She knows she is. She believes it with every fiber of her being and she acts accordingly—using her voice, joining the discussion, participating in the activity, etc. She doesn’t have to do everything the men do. She acts based upon the desires of her heart and the will of the Lord, just as his sons do. She listens to others and serves them; she doesn’t conquer them.

I say we’re equal, but my actions speak otherwise. And I need to change. I can’t wait for someone else to give me the right to be equal. Those laws have been passed. Those statements have been made. It is up to me now to show myself and the world that I am equal. I need to believe it. I need to be it.

So back to the scenes I saw flit through my mind. The food and the doors and the ordering. What would true equality look like? For me, it’s mutual respect. It’s everyone heading to the buffet line together, not women first. It’s the first person in line holding the door for those who might follow. It’s taking turns ordering and allowing others to speak for themselves. It’s being courteous and loving and kind without regard to gender (or any other factor of diversity).

Neither gender needs a pedestal or a body guard. Neither needs shackles or gilded cages.

And perhaps the deepest truth is that neither side needs someone else deciding how they should live their lives. So if a woman likes her man to hold the door and that makes her feel equal and valued. Who am I to judge? If a man decides to stay home because he is the stronger nurturer of the two, who am I to tell him he is confused or not a “real” man?

Again it comes back to me. Only I can decide what I want from this life and what equality means to me. Only I can be responsible for voicing my needs and wants to others. How can they know if I never share? And only I can keep me from reaching the true measure of my creation… to be the best damn daughter of God that I can be.

Equality today doesn’t start with others. True equality begins with me.

The question now? Can I stand up for myself, voicing my needs and desires, without castrating the other half of the world? Only time will tell. And thankfully I have the best husband ever to help me navigate the waters.