Adventures in Adulthood

I know it seems silly, but this feels like my very first grown up trip. Not to say I haven't been on trips with other adults before or that those trips were somehow juvenile (though with me, isn't everything?). I just feel so big because this feels like the first time I've vacationed somewhere without a) a companion traveling with me or b) someone I know waiting for me on the other end.

Today I left MD on an airplane (que John Denver) and traveled to far away southern VA all by myself. There was no welcome wagon waiting. No sweet sibling waiting to pick me up. It was just me and the rain and the trust that a non-serial-killer shuttle driver would pick me up at the airport and take me to the hotel. I worried over the little things like should I call or will they have ESP to know I need a ride. (I called). Then I debated over whether or not I stood in the right spot, on the correct side of the road and if I'd recognize the shuttle when it came. Would it say the hotel name or would I have to guess? What if some maniac showed up in a white van with no windows claiming to be my shuttle driver? Would I get in or call to confirm that he was indeed my ride? I decided I would call as I mentally made a checklist of all the items in my purse that I could use as a weapon. Yep, there's a reason Joe usually likes to send me with or to someone we know, lol.

It all worked out. The van (yes, it was still a van) was marked, the driver was female, and I was able to get in without getting any appendages stuck in the door. I even made some pretty decent small talk on weather patterns and places she and I have lived! (Thanks for the lessons E!).

And now I'm typing away on my laptop (did I forget to mention that the bestest hubby on the planet bought me a DARK CHOCOLATE laptop that I love? Because he did). ANYWAY, I'm clicking away on the keys still a little proud of myself for making my way around a new place and checking myself into a hotel. And though Front Desk Guy asked to see my ID, he didn't once question my sanity or the soundness of me staying in a hotel by myself! I'm sure I had "awkward-has-never-done-this-before" written all over my face. (I don't think he noticed it until later when I had to call him from my cell phone because I couldn't get the room phones to work... but that's another story).

What About Bob?

So yeah, I'm feeling pretty good. Happy. Maybe it's not so much that I was finally able to accomplish such a small feat at the age of 30-something, maybe it's because I was able to make the baby steps out the door, down the terminal, to the plane, to the shuttle and to the hotel despite the anxiety I've been learning to manage for more than 2 years. So happy adult day to me!!!

*throws confetti*

Phew, now that the celebrating is over, can I just say how GLAD I am that Tina & Hannah will be arriving in a couple of hours? This adult stuff is awesome, but I think I've done enough for one day. I'm grateful to be spending the rest of the weekend with my awesome gal pals!!! (And I know Joe will rest easier. His last text to me: At least Tina is driving!)

Good night all. Today VA... tomorrow the world!!!! Muhahahaha! I mean... NC... tomorrow is NC. :-)

Change

Once upon a time I believed I accepted change easily. 

We moved an average of once a year when I was a kid, so you got used to leaving and starting over. Got used to relationships that weren't meant to last longer than a school year and homes that had mustard yellow walls because you knew they weren't yours to fix. Princeton Street was the longest I'd ever lived in one place and attended one school until I was a teenager. Four years in one house (if you don't count the times Mom and the kids lived with other people for awhile). Five years in one school.

I don't remember crying when we left Princeton Street. I felt the overdue-ness of the situation in my core, as though we'd lived their too long encroaching on someone else's time to build memories and friends there. Perhaps I wasn't meant to be friends with Tracy and Ana after all. Perhaps I was just the filler until the real girl moved in who belonged in a home where families planted roots and stayed forever.

That wasn't my family. So they weren't my tears to shed.

After a short stint in government housing (I suppose the term is Section 8 now), we moved to Utah. Another place to start over. Another school to keep quiet and do my academic thing and wait for another move. Change was easy when you didn't get attached to anything. I tried really hard no to get attached.

Fast forward past the awkwardness of high school, the waiting to pick up and move, the resistance to friendships that eventually break and attachments that cause more heartache than joy, and I'm an adult. Almost 32. And suddenly change is hard.

Suddenly I realize I have really awesome friends that I don't want to leave. And I realize I have really awesome friends in places I've already left. I realize that the bullshit I've been telling myself about change and moving on and letting go of people does not come from truth, but fear. It comes from not wanting to hurt anymore, not wanting to break each time we leave. Not wanting to know if people care or are counting the days until we are gone.

Photo HERE

I look back over my life and see a little girl so hurt by the constant change and lack of real relationships that she's told herself she doesn't care. That change is good. That moving on is healthy. And that relationships aren't meant to last. One lie on top of another until piled so impossibly high that the heap of garbage tumbles and falls and buries her alive. When she finally climbs out of the mess she's created she sees truth for the first time. That really she doesn't like change. That change for her means loss and heartache and trying to find her way through the darkness once more. And she sees, to her everlasting joy, the other truth--that some friends never left. Friendship, she discovers, isn't about proximity, but about heart. And for reasons beyond her comprehension, some people have chosen to love her despite everything she is or how far she's moved.

This little girl is courageous. Too bad she isn't me.

For all my years and epiphanies and growth opportunities, I am still afraid. The anxiety rolls inside me like a boat on the ocean waves and I am sick. The world keeps moving regardless of how still I sit. And my understanding cannot keep pace with my thoughts--little particles of worry whizzing around my head like high-energy particles in the Large Hadron Collider.

*breathes deeply*

Logically, I know change can be good. Change fosters innovation, paradigm shifts, and can lead to greater fulfillment. Change is the basis of religion--the idea that we start as imperfect beings and change, ever improving towards god-like characteristics. Change shakes things up, makes life exciting, stretches our capabilities, and creates a better us. Change is adventure, fulfillment and life. When I write all those things I feel better, even though fear of the unknown still chews on my insides.

And I wish, for just one moment, that Fear felt full. That Doubt would take a vacation. And Overwhelming would go sky-diving without a parachute.

The worst part of all? Change may not even happen. All this worry and nothing may manifest. We'll go about our daily lives, living as we always have with no one the wiser (except that I blogged about it, lol). But the thought of not changing? Of missing a new adventure?

*puts away Indian Jones hat and whip*

That makes me the most sad of all.

Grandma Wrinkles

I love this picture of Grandma Porter, but not for the reasons you might think. Yes, she looks beautiful. Yes, I like the way she seems to be looking off into the future and smiling at the outcome. But I really like this picture because of her wrinkles, especially the ones around her nose. I love those wrinkles most because they remind me of the way Grandma crinkles her nose when she smiles really big or laughs really hard. In my mind I can see her giggling, mouth half covered with one of her hands, because Grandpa just told a really great joke. She spent a lot of time smiling and laughing when Grandpa was alive. And, surprisingly, she still spends a lot of time smiling and laughing even though he's gone. I think it's because, like the picture, Grandma has that ability to look ahead and see the time when she'll be reunited with the man she loves and shared over half a century of her life with. She also sees the good in the life she has here on this earth. She celebrates the time she has left with her posterity. And, above all, she rejoices in Christ.

That's the woman I want to be. And, hopefully someday, the grandma I will be as well.

I hope when I'm older that my wrinkles will be a reflection of the love I have for life, family and Christ. I hope the deep creases of my face will remind my loved ones of the happy memories we've shared together. I hope I'm as beautiful, as loving, as nurturing as Grandma Porter has been to me.

Until then, I have to keep working on my laugh lines. :)

Time...

I really can't believe November is almost here. Only 6 days away? What happened to October?

I spent most of the month in the doctor's office trying to figure out what's wrong with me physically. So far IBS seems to be the culprit, mingled with an allergy to high fructose corn syrup--which is in just about everything. I've been working with a nutritionist to find foods I can eat and so far that is working out really well. I have my follow up with the specialist on Halloween to determine if there's anything else going on with my insides that I need to be aware of. We'll see.

Mostly, though, I'm tired. And perhaps a little grumpy (see tired). But Joe is hopeful we'll be able to figure this out and so I'm holding on to him holding on to hope. Maybe I should get some rope to tie me to him in case my arms give out. Le sigh.

In happier news, I finished the first act of my book! This is HUGE for me! It means I have completed 1/4 of my book!!! Wahoo!!! Right now that looks like 11 chapters and just over 25K words. If I keep a consistent rate, I'll end up with about 44 chapters and 100K. Most first novels publish around the 80K mark, so I might be a little high. But that's okay! I can always chop-chop during the revisions stage. I'm excited to have two VERY EXCELLENT beta readers lined up for revisions and, so far, have been super happy with the feedback I'm getting from my alpha readers.

One thing I've realized is that my book is not for everyone. Sometimes that makes me sad, but mostly I think that's just a part of the author-reader dynamic. I love Harry Potter, but that doesn't mean everyone does. Just as some love Lord of the Rings, which I can't stand. It's good to recognize early on that what I write--my content, style, approach--won't resonate with every person that picks it up. Some will even hate it. I don't know if I'm ready for that yet, but that doesn't change reality. So I'm trying to grow a thicker skin. Pretty hard considering I kill most everything I try to grow. But I'll keep working at it, changing the fertilizer or the ground I'm in. I guess being a slow writer is helpful in this way... I'll have plenty of time to work on my thick skin before I even query, let alone publish a novel.

For those that are interested, I've revamped the look/feel of the writer blog. New content will be added sooner than later. I've decided to focus for a time on the research that I'm doing rather than the writing journey itself. So, if you're into paranormal, expect to see posts about angels & demons, death personified, vampire lore, and other delectable bites.

If you want to more about the novel, I'm still working on the pitch line (so it's really rough). This is what I have so far: SOUL REAPER (working title): A traumatized Angel of Death shuns her Maker in hopes of finding release, but learns even good choices require payment--her submission or her soul, neither of which she is willing to relinquish. (Feel free to tell me in the comments whether or not you'd read it and why! TY!)

In other news, work seems to be going well for Joe. His company is gearing up for a huge project that is going to keep him busy-busy in the months to come. He seems to spend many of his days in meetings, but still enjoys the people he works with. I'm happy he's happy!

Josser and Journey are hilarious and annoying all at the same time. But I love my little monsters. As with most creatures, they are most adorable when they are sleeping! hehe

I hope October has been good to you! And I am excited to see all the costume pictures I know you're going to share with me via blogger and Facebook... right? Right?! Hehe.

Lots of love,
D