Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Stupid Tax
Oh my goodness! I was up late one night, feeling very fat, and stumbled across some "true story" of a girl who took 2 sets of pills and lost 45lbs. Those new Acai Berries and the Total Cleanse. So, being the sucker that I am (especially when I'm feeling the flub) I bought into the gimmick and ordered my two "free" trials. Let me just say, READ THE FINE PRINT! Turns out my "free" trials are in fact delayed billing. And while the site talks about 30-days or 21-days, really you have 15-days from the day you order the product to test it out and cancel. AND, not only do you have to cancel within the time frame, but to keep from getting charged you actually have to MAIL the unused product back to the company! So now I paid $10 to get the stuff shipped to me, 15-days later I get billed $150 ($70 for the one trial and $80 for the other) and I'm gonna have to pay another $10 to ship the crap back to them. The best part is I never even had a chance to crack the bottles! The $70 charge will be refunded as soon as they get the unused product back and I am fighting with the other company because I cancelled in time but they still decided to charge me. Moral of the story? Stay away from ANY sales pitch when you are feeling fat! I have palates, P90X, turbo Jam, slim in 6, some rolley ball, and now some crap pills all because I watch infomercials when I'm feeling down. I guess I better just laugh about it... that... or maybe I'll grab some ice cream and surf late night TV! lol
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Dear Marla
I have done it before but I feel the need to do it again. I am sorry for ever judging you.
I was at home last night reading my scriptures yet not understanding a word on the page. My mind was elsewhere. It was stewing over comments made by Subject A about Subject B which had me pondering over comments Subject B made about Subject C which moved me further to remember comments Subject D made about Subjects A-C, E, F and so on. The focus of every comment was parenting. “She doesn’t do this right” or “He is like this” or “I would never do that.” I was so completely frustrated and annoyed last night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to write a crazy insane blog that would have resulted in a ton of people mad at me and me, of course, looking like the self-righteous, self-centered member of the family (that I probably am). I refrained and instead started to ponder other things. One that came most forcefully to my mind was our trip to California last year. I believe you remember.
We had spent the week together… you, Natalie, myself and our families… in one two-bedroom condo. I watched you with your children from their moments of joy to their grumpy tantrums. I noticed morning routines and evening bedtime rituals. I heard you, late at night, trying to take care of a sobbing Charlie who was sick with a horrible fever. I remember your tears and your words as you laid him in Joe’s arms, “He’s not breathing.” And then I saw you—after a traumatic experience and no sleep—gently handle your girls the next day with all the patience of a saint. In short, you amazed me. And I think, somewhat like the Grinch, my heart grew in sizes. In that moment I felt sorry for all the things I had said regarding your parenting or your way of doing things. My guilt came crashing down on me for ever judging you. All these years I made the mistake of thinking you had to grow up and in the end, it was me that had to change. I told you then, and I reiterate now, that I am sorry and that I think you are amazing! I should add thank you, as well, for helping me to see that we cannot judge each other. That week I recognized that children come with their own unique and sometimes challenging personalities. And I saw a mother and a father respond by doing the best they knew how to love and teach their children. I am so grateful for that experience and for how you taught me these things through your example.
Sometimes, (between you and me, Marla) I am afraid to have children. Not just because it is more difficult than I ever imagined (babysitting just one child for a day has taught me that), but because I am afraid of being under the microscope while all the other parents are mentally sizing me up and deciding whether or not I am a fit mother. I worry about all the judgments that will be passed when I don’t do something perfectly because I can only rely on “the best I know how.” It scares me, Marla. It really does. And last night, it hurt.
I know I can’t change anyone (nor is it my right to do so). But I send out a wish that we can give each other the benefit of the doubt. That we can give each other a little wiggle room, understanding that we are all just moving through life (and each situation) doing the best that we know how. And that just because one set of parents does something differently than we do, it doesn’t make either party wrong. To Marla, Natalie, Suzanne, Erin, Brenda and all the other parents (including daddies) that I know, I say thank you for having the courage to parent with your own style. I am watching and I am noticing that you are doing a great job… the best job you know how. We all have our good and bad days. We all have those moments when we think “one more thing and I am gonna sell them to the gypsies!” But then I have seen all those moments when you hold them in your arms and smile from deep inside because you love them and because they are yours, forever and ever. I love you, my sisters. I love you, Marla. I am so grateful I have you (all of you) as a part of my family. Thank you for your love and your examples. You are all amazing!
I was at home last night reading my scriptures yet not understanding a word on the page. My mind was elsewhere. It was stewing over comments made by Subject A about Subject B which had me pondering over comments Subject B made about Subject C which moved me further to remember comments Subject D made about Subjects A-C, E, F and so on. The focus of every comment was parenting. “She doesn’t do this right” or “He is like this” or “I would never do that.” I was so completely frustrated and annoyed last night I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t concentrate. I wanted to write a crazy insane blog that would have resulted in a ton of people mad at me and me, of course, looking like the self-righteous, self-centered member of the family (that I probably am). I refrained and instead started to ponder other things. One that came most forcefully to my mind was our trip to California last year. I believe you remember.
We had spent the week together… you, Natalie, myself and our families… in one two-bedroom condo. I watched you with your children from their moments of joy to their grumpy tantrums. I noticed morning routines and evening bedtime rituals. I heard you, late at night, trying to take care of a sobbing Charlie who was sick with a horrible fever. I remember your tears and your words as you laid him in Joe’s arms, “He’s not breathing.” And then I saw you—after a traumatic experience and no sleep—gently handle your girls the next day with all the patience of a saint. In short, you amazed me. And I think, somewhat like the Grinch, my heart grew in sizes. In that moment I felt sorry for all the things I had said regarding your parenting or your way of doing things. My guilt came crashing down on me for ever judging you. All these years I made the mistake of thinking you had to grow up and in the end, it was me that had to change. I told you then, and I reiterate now, that I am sorry and that I think you are amazing! I should add thank you, as well, for helping me to see that we cannot judge each other. That week I recognized that children come with their own unique and sometimes challenging personalities. And I saw a mother and a father respond by doing the best they knew how to love and teach their children. I am so grateful for that experience and for how you taught me these things through your example.
Sometimes, (between you and me, Marla) I am afraid to have children. Not just because it is more difficult than I ever imagined (babysitting just one child for a day has taught me that), but because I am afraid of being under the microscope while all the other parents are mentally sizing me up and deciding whether or not I am a fit mother. I worry about all the judgments that will be passed when I don’t do something perfectly because I can only rely on “the best I know how.” It scares me, Marla. It really does. And last night, it hurt.
I know I can’t change anyone (nor is it my right to do so). But I send out a wish that we can give each other the benefit of the doubt. That we can give each other a little wiggle room, understanding that we are all just moving through life (and each situation) doing the best that we know how. And that just because one set of parents does something differently than we do, it doesn’t make either party wrong. To Marla, Natalie, Suzanne, Erin, Brenda and all the other parents (including daddies) that I know, I say thank you for having the courage to parent with your own style. I am watching and I am noticing that you are doing a great job… the best job you know how. We all have our good and bad days. We all have those moments when we think “one more thing and I am gonna sell them to the gypsies!” But then I have seen all those moments when you hold them in your arms and smile from deep inside because you love them and because they are yours, forever and ever. I love you, my sisters. I love you, Marla. I am so grateful I have you (all of you) as a part of my family. Thank you for your love and your examples. You are all amazing!
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Nomanisan Island
Ya know, it's funny. I just realized (as I checked two different email accounts for messages and even logged onto facebook in hopes that someone had written on my wall) that we humans do not want to be alone. We crave contact... a connection with others. More than just a connection, though. I think we want to know that somewhere someone in this world of billions is thinking of us... is reaching out to us.
Recently I have been studying meditation techniques. Just a way to deal with the stress of my current situation. One technique I have been using has you picture yourself at the bottom of a crystal clear pond. The water is a perfect temperature as it envelops you, giving your body the sensation of being weightless. All outside noises and distractions are blocked by the surface of the pond. You are totally alone. As you breathe in and out you realize that, like a fish, you do not drown but instead can breathe the oxygen in the water. You are completely comfortable and your mind is empty. Any intrusive thoughts are breathed out into a bubble that floats to the surface. As it breaks the glassy ceiling of your pond it pops, the unwanted image dissolving with it.
Over the last week meditation has been VERY helpful. I have actually been able to sleep without the disruptive presence of nightmares. However, tonight, as I once again pictured myself in my private pond, I cried. The pleasure I had previously felt at being away from the confusion of life was replaced with the despair of feeling utterly alone. Devoid of any human contact or interaction. I do not blame this on my meditation (which I will still continue). Instead it was merely a reflection of feelings I have been trying to ignore. And it led me to the realization that shying away from others is not the answer but, instead, I need to reach out for the contact and connections I so ardently need. We, as humans, are meant to be humans... plural... more than one. We are designed to feed off of each other... energies, emotions, enlightenment. Sometimes I have thought that "needing" someone else means that I am weak. But I think that allowing ourselves to need someone else actual shows strength as it opens us for pain, heartache, disappointment, regret.
I guess what I am trying to say is I know I need you--my friends--I need you. Your comments, your love, your support and even your nay-saying. I need it all. Strengths and weaknesses. Because I need you just the way you are. Perfect and unique.
Recently I have been studying meditation techniques. Just a way to deal with the stress of my current situation. One technique I have been using has you picture yourself at the bottom of a crystal clear pond. The water is a perfect temperature as it envelops you, giving your body the sensation of being weightless. All outside noises and distractions are blocked by the surface of the pond. You are totally alone. As you breathe in and out you realize that, like a fish, you do not drown but instead can breathe the oxygen in the water. You are completely comfortable and your mind is empty. Any intrusive thoughts are breathed out into a bubble that floats to the surface. As it breaks the glassy ceiling of your pond it pops, the unwanted image dissolving with it.
Over the last week meditation has been VERY helpful. I have actually been able to sleep without the disruptive presence of nightmares. However, tonight, as I once again pictured myself in my private pond, I cried. The pleasure I had previously felt at being away from the confusion of life was replaced with the despair of feeling utterly alone. Devoid of any human contact or interaction. I do not blame this on my meditation (which I will still continue). Instead it was merely a reflection of feelings I have been trying to ignore. And it led me to the realization that shying away from others is not the answer but, instead, I need to reach out for the contact and connections I so ardently need. We, as humans, are meant to be humans... plural... more than one. We are designed to feed off of each other... energies, emotions, enlightenment. Sometimes I have thought that "needing" someone else means that I am weak. But I think that allowing ourselves to need someone else actual shows strength as it opens us for pain, heartache, disappointment, regret.
I guess what I am trying to say is I know I need you--my friends--I need you. Your comments, your love, your support and even your nay-saying. I need it all. Strengths and weaknesses. Because I need you just the way you are. Perfect and unique.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Happy New Year
May 2009 bring the fulfilment of your dreams, the wishes of your heart, and the unending love of family and friends. Have a safe and wonderful new year.
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